A birthday

I haven’t written in my blog for a while. I got rid of a couple of semi-hysterical entries (thank god we can do that!) and have been settling in emotionally since October.

I made an entry in my Google id page that described what I’m good at as “Being Mom.” It is what I am. Good or not. I manage anyway. I am not always as loving as I want to be, but I am always there, always willing to talk, to forgive, to reach out, to bend, and that’s “loving” in action. So that’s what I do.
What I am remains a work in progress. Haven’t figured much out there. Often I am in touch with some inner voice that lingers in the background saying figuring oneself out is an ongoing thing, not meant to STOP. I am not unique in this. It is the same for all of us. I realized recently that my period of grieving over what I thought might happen in my life and my youngest daughter’s life has taken time to heal.

I had to go through those stages. I looked them up and wrote them down in front of my computer for a while. And I doubt I’m done with them. But I feel more at peace with the way things are now. I react less. I accept more. I fall into just what is. I really enjoy the peace in my mind I have now. Not thinking so much. I can just “BE” more and more. Washing dishes, sorting clothes. Just doing. Not thinking the way I used to when I was suffering so, fighting against things so. I push too hard to make my little world what I THINK it should be.

Some of that is what my HEART wants too. I remember now, this moment, the story of The Alchemist (I entered a quote from it here on this blog – about the HEART – what the heart wants). I have relearned that everything going on within me and those I love is so much more complex and interconnected than I can possibly really get.
My heart is my heart alone. It is private and alone with its aches and wants. It beats its presence as a reminder and sometimes it beats faster when I connect with someone very dear to me. But it is always a private heart and alone. The Heart has no rights except to experience itself - to feel its own beating as a reminder that life continues – a reminder too that all beings live with the same Heart that is private and alone. What is it really that the Heart wants?

I hope. I trust. I appreciate. I pray for all of us. My heart urges all of that. My heart wants that. I feel my love. I live it - the best I can. Forgiving self and others as needed. Living life just as it has been given to me to do each day. Being Mom, being friend – daughter – sister – co-worker. Being me.